Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Hello Everyone, Happy Tuesday!

Its been a while hasn't it?!  I was going to start by apologising for my lack of blogging during Feburary and March but then I thought, well this is a hobby for me and I'm sure you would all prefer quality over quantity in my posts.  In truth, my heart just hasnt been in it.  I've had a lot going on in my personal life and i've been mega busy causing me to be stressed and quite frankly, feeling a little sad.  The mixture of elation at the happy things in my life coupled with the things that have got me down have really messed with my emotions.  Things are starting to even out now for me, so I thought that as I sit here on a beautiful Tuesday evening drinking my Options Banoffee Hot Chocolate (a must try for banana-toffee-chocolate lovers!), I'd tell you a little bit about whats going on with me.  As ever, I'm not really one for opening up about my personal feelings, in favour of keeping the cap on my bottle of emotions firmly in place, I hope that some of what I tell you gives you an insight into why Ive posted a grand total of sixteen posts in two months; a number which hasnt been seen on my blog since I started last summer!

Do you ever get those months where you just feel like nothing has gone right?  February started on such a high for me with Michaels and Daisys birthday and our anniversary but it ended pretty badly with some upset in my familiy.  I guess that sometimes no matter how much you want someone to love you, sometimes they just cant show it.  I've tried time and time again to get close to someone that really I shouldnt have to try to get close to, it should be natural, only to have my heart broken time and time again.  I've eventually said enough is enough.  I've lived like this for all of my 22 years and quite honestly, I can't let it consume me for another 22 years.  Living my life on the edge and walking on egg shells is just too stressful for me.  For the past couple of months I've just felt like I couldnt be bothered and this has really reflected in my blog and day to day life- if im feeling down, the last thing im bothered about is how I look, so on the whole, I havent had anything new to share, besides a few rare glimpses here and there, on a good day.

I started my Youtube channel recently and I thought it was going really well, until someone close to me made a couple of spoof videos taking the piss out of me which I found incredibly hurtful.  I understand why people make spoof videos about celebrities or about certain stereotypes of people or even just generalising about normal girls in the blogging world but I really find it unnecessarily hurtful to direct something so blatantly at one person.  Im someone who takes things to heart and gets upset easily although I do manage to put on a good act in defence, perhaps thats after years of practice when being bullied at school.  I just found it so upsetting that someone who knew this about me would go and do such a horrible thing, especially after I have always loved them dearly and tried to be there for them in anyway I can, which of course I will always continue to do.  I just feel like a right idiot at the moment and so much of a joke that I was someones Saturday night entertainment.  Please though, if anyone doesnt like my videos or has a problem with anything I put on here then please let me know because I really dont want to be feeling so down about something I enjoy again.  Its really had a knock on effect- i havent wanted to film any videos or write any posts, I have a few videos backed up but im reluctant to put them on, mainly because I feel like a laughing stock.  Its hard enough starting out on YouTube as it is!

All the stress I've had and early days have finally caught up with me though and ive been off work sick for the past couple of days with a nasty virus.  I've been feeling funny for a couple of weeks now, perhaps my immune system has been low, but ive been getting nose bleeds, sickness and dizzyness a lot, as well as an overwhelming feeling of being tired.  Ive been working a lot of 7am-3pm shifts at work, sometimes after late nights so i thought it was just that but some friends suggested doing a pregnancy test and going to the doctors, much to my alarm as I'm barely out of Pampers myself.  After doing one on Friday I can quite categorically say, I am without child!  Ive also had a funny rash on my feet and last week one of my feet was really swollen which was highly attractive as well as very painful.  After being sick at work, in the toilets where a load of managers were having a meeting outside and heard me chucking my guts up, it was time to go to the doctors.  4 blood tests later, i emerged feeling like a pin cushion.  The doctor took my blood pressure and said it was loads higher than it was when I last had it checked and the rash on my feet looks like some sort of fungal infection and she gave me some cream to try- lush.  The doctor said she didnt wanna give me any tablets until she had my test results back but thought I had a virus.  So basically ive been feeling like shit since Friday, which was probably made worse by the fact that I couldnt take anything to stop the feeling of being sick- awesome.  Im off to the doctors tomorrow morning so hopefully they will know what is wrong then and ill be straight back to work.  Hate being off-- i have targets to hit and a wedding to pay for!...

Oh yes, a wedding!!  A few weeks ago Michael and I booked our wedding!  We went and stayed overnight at the venue, had dinner there and spent a day in the spa before we completely decided to book it.  We had a meeting with the wedding planner and paid our deposit so that our date is secured.  Its not until 2014 so please hold off buying your hats just yet! The venue we've booked is very popular and we're wanting to get married on the bank holiday weekend so thought it would be best to book in advance.  It'll also help us to pay for it because we're absolutely useless at saving and if its in our account we'll spend it.  So we thought we would book it and then just phone up every month and pay chunks off.  We've also booked something special for the evening reception too but thats all we're booking until about a year and a half before the wedding.  This special something and the venue are the most expensive things so we're hoping if we can pay it off in two years, we'll have the last year to pay everything else off.  Im sure 3 years will fffffllllllyyyyy by REALLY quickly.  I've had a few people tweet asking me if ill be doing wedding vlogs and posts and to be honest im not too sure.  I absolutely love the idea of doing them but quite a few people who I know in "real life" read my blog and watch my videos so i kind of want to keep somethings as a surprise for them... plus i have a few friends getting married at around the same time Michael and I will be getting married and I just wanna keep our ideas to myself if that makes sense!  Are any of you planning your wedding at the moment?  I'm sure you'll be feeling a little like me-- nervous-excited!  Michael and I cant wait for our wedding, its something we've always dreamed of but the thought of earning and saving all of that money is pretty scary!  I'm sure we'll get there though but in the meantime if any of you have any money saving tips or money making tips then please let me know.

Since booking our wedding ive been pretty much fixed on planning and searching the internet for ideas.  Michael and I are really focused on it and we're just so excited.  Im starting to feel loads better about myself too which is great because my confidence did take a bit of a hit recently.  My hair is feeling great now and I've had my nails done.  I've started healthy eating again with my friend Vicky and we've started exercising together too.  We've been going to belly dancing and aquafit and we're starting Zumba soon too which I cant wait to do.  Being my size, I've never felt comfortable doing what I would call dry exercise, like out of the water, because I just think it would be unpleasant and sweaty but im really enjoying it!  I've been walking Daisy May loads too and shes getting so good and well trained too.  I much prefer to walk her in the evenings though as its just too much of a hassel during the day as everyone stops to pet her and chat about her which is lovely but it turns a half hour walk round the block into an hour long trek!  We're loving walking together, especially with the light nights and I feel like im on such a natural high.

Also I've just got an Iphone4 and I havent a clue how to use it.  I'm rubbish at typing on it too so my Twitter has been really neglected haha!  I was wondering if any of you knew any good Apps to download or even if theres an app for blogger?  I've downloaded this giraffe called Gina.  Its like a modern version of one of those old tamagochi things. Very cute, if a little young for me!

I hope you're all keeping well and that this post didnt bore you too much.  Its a bit lengthy and illiterate but i've got a stotting headache and its time for bed!  Thanks for all of your comments, emails and tweets over the last couple of months, I really appreciate them all- you rock!  I'm back now and better than ever!


  1. Hun, take no notice of them nasty people, they have nothing better to do, you are great at making videos and love when I see new ones pop up! I know how you feel so many Youtubers get hurtful comments etc not fair! I hope your feeling much better and its so exciting about your wedding plans! x Lots of Love Katie x x x

  2. I love reading your posts and watching your Youtube videos too, it's blogs like yours that have given me confidence to wear different clothes and to try new products, I'm waiting for a bottle of'Alex' to be delivered !!!!!
    Keep it up :-))) Kathy

  3. Sorry to hear you've been down, i hope you feel a lot better! You will love zumba, i go twice a week :)
    So exciting about your wedding :)


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